Private jets were scrambled in Washington and Rome as representatives of two of the world’s most important industries (at least in their own eyes) sought to preserve their livelihoods.

Cardinals, especially the more conservative ones, were shocked when Pope Francis appeared to give away their three most valued talking points: homosexuality, abortion and contraception.

How, they worried, would they continue to have any importance whatever if they simply went along with what everyone was doing anyway rather than following the important teachings of Torquemada and the Inquisition?

“Who will pay us to sell them fear if we no longer have fear on offer?” said a senior Cardinal who requested anonymity. “Next thing you know, they will take away our hats and robes and we will be forced to dress like peasants,” he continued angrily.

Ever sensitive to the subtle changes in public opinion, the National Association of Political Spinmeisters (NAPS, as in something we’d prefer to be taking rather than listening to them) rallied its troops to confer with the aggrieved Cardinals in an emergency effort to reduce the potential damage to their self-importance.

Fearing the possibility of a political trend toward actually accomplishing something rather than passing the hat to raise funds to pay its members, a NAPS spokesman described the Pope’s actions as “an assault on our way of life.”

“It has taken us years to make voters feel too stupid to make their own decisions,” the spokesman continued. “If this papal action continues, who will pay us to develop meaningless talking points and wedge issues designed solely to raise money to pay us?”

“It’s like giving away the fight between the 1% and the 99%. We’d never let one of our clients do that. Imagine the effect on us.”

In the early sessions of the secret confab, the prelates and spinmeisters approved important resolutions opposing such heretical ideas as:

• Quit lying;
• Just get on with it;
• Use your head; and
• Solve the fucking problem.

Today’s much-anticipated Tomas de Torquemada Memorial Lecture is entitled “You Too Can Make a Fortune from the Stupidity of Your Flock.”