Citizens United Solves 2016 Election Dilemma

Who knew that the much-maligned Citizens United Supreme Court decision could resolve the nation’s dilemma as to which odious candidate to choose in November?

As is so often the case lately, only our crack reporting team was able to find its way to the brilliant solution characteristic of the LibertyPell oeuvre.

First you will learn about the problem, which is always a good start when solutions are to be found.

Second, you will learn about the Constitutional conundrum that was cleverly picked apart by our award winning analysis.

Third, you will learn about a little known precedent for this magnificent plan.

And finally you will see how it will change the next six months of your life and return the world to your preferred level of sanity.

El Problema

Okay, busted. That was a brazen attempt to corral Hispanic support for the plan.

There are two-ish candidates left. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are the two and Bernie Sanders is the ish.

Bernie is fading fast as increasing numbers of white-coated handlers are seen at his events. Standby for the campaign-suspended-entering-rehab-respect-the-family-privacy news conference. Too bad because there are actual people who like him. Well not really because he is kind of a nut.

That leaves the two most disliked general election candidates of modern times. According to the 538 blog, 37% of voters hold a strongly unfavorable view of Hillary Clinton. Only Donald Trump does worse at 53%. According to another poll, 47% of Trump fans want mainly to beat Hillary while 46% of her fans want mainly to beat him.

If you don’t like numbers, Hillary rivals George W. Bush in popularity while the Donald resembles Barry Goldwater.

Perhaps Nebraska’s Republican Senator, Ben Sasse, had it right when he said, “there are dumpster fires more popular than these two leaders.”

Partisanship? Maybe not so much. Among Republicans, 47% hold an unfavorable view of Trump and 23% escalate to strongly unfavorable. Don’t gloat Hillary, your numbers among Democrats are 21% unfavorable and 11% strongly unfavorable and you have not even been indicted yet. Not only do partisans dislike the other candidate, they dislike their own.

Enough, now we are just piling on. You get the idea that voters think their choices suck.

Pesky Constitution Gets in the Way

Section 1 of Article Two of the United States Constitution sets forth the eligibility requirements for serving as president of the United States:

No Person except a natural born Citizen… shall be eligible to the Office of President….

Outsource the Problem

As with so many things, outsourcing provides a splendid solution.

And where better to outsource than India?

India is the world’s largest democracy with about three times as many people as we have. It is not noted for world-class infrastructure. This makes it tough to move candidates here and there for campaign appearances.

How do those clever Indians solve that problem?

Holograms.

Yup, they use holograms for campaign appearances in India.

That might help a little if you were wondering about the picture up top.

For you non-techies, a hologram is a computer generated 3-D image that can talk and even wave its arms about just like Bernie.

Citizens United to the Rescue

If the Supreme Court says a corporation can be a person, why can’t a hologram be a person?

Surely it is but a short step from letting a legal entity be a person to letting a mechanical entity be one too.

We’ll save the question of which bathrooms corporations and holograms are to use for another day because we have to come up with this stuff pretty often unless we get sent off to play mah jong with Bernie in his restful place.

The coolest thing about holograms is that they can be made to say just the right poll-tested thing to every possible audience. No more grimacing handlers living through career-threatening gaffes by the trained seals on stage (career threatening to the handler not to the candidate because the candidate is just a prop anyway).

For a time the press will bravely call out political inconsistencies as the holograms rail against inequality to working class audiences while sucking up to fat cat donors and saying just the opposite, but this will pass as the economics of journalism drive the entire industry even further down the potty. Or the public finally comes to the conclusion that every word a politician says is a complete lie anyway and quietly loses the will to live.

As an added benefit, every spoiled brat in the entire country will be getting precisely what he, she or it wants with no need whatever to suffer through the political equivalent of a latte that is just a bit too foamy.

Once again, we ask why does LibertyPell have to solve everything around here?

4 Responses to “Citizens United Solves 2016 Election Dilemma”

SellersMcKee, May 11, 2016 at 12:20 pm said:

A “pessoa física” requires a bathroom: a “pessoa jurídica,” not so much (excuse my Portuguese). Nonetheless, this discussion is more relevant than most this year, and I suggest we “waste” enormous amounts of something or other (waste?) resolving this important issue while Rome burns. But why not a hologram of Washington, DC? Or the Supreme Court? I figure the newest addition to my family, a Yorkie, could govern better than what we have now, so why not a hologram (hollow-gram?) of a hologram. Then all we would have to do is fight over who gets to program the program. But then who would be left to fight over bathrooms? A cunundrum within a cunundrum.

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Livingston Miler, May 11, 2016 at 12:25 pm said:

Very hip, Have. My son Andrew had some experience with the making and marketing of the infamous Tupac Shakur hologram where the very deceased Tupac came to astonishing life and performed with Dr. Dre. Check it out on YouTube. Come to think of it, Shakur-Dre might make a great independent ticket this cycle.

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Mavrick, July 21, 2016 at 11:30 am said:

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Haven Pell, August 06, 2016 at 5:02 pm said:

come back soon, please and bring your friends

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