libertyPell World Cup Predictions
In the finest journalistic tradition of pretending to know everything even when you don’t, The Pundificator assembled the mostly not cracked libertyPell reporting team for its first-ever staff meeting.
There was only one item on the agenda.
With the United States eliminated from the World Cup, which of the remaining eight teams do you think will win and why?
Here they are: the long awaited libertyPell World Cup Predictions.
Extensive statistical analysis revealed that the libertyPell team was – remarkably — precisely at the mean, the median, and the average among all Americans in every relevant measure of expertise. Not one staff member referred to the game as soccer nor did any refer to it as football. All were fully committed to the hip new term futbol.
There are four quarterfinal games: Brazil vs. Colombia; France vs. Germany; Netherlands vs. Costa Rica; and Argentina vs. Belgium. We did not try to pick the third place winner because who cares?
In a roundtable discussion, The Pundificator first called on Odious Gelhead, whose role is trashing the public relations industry.
“All that seems to matter these days is brand and image,” said Gelhead. “Countries have images and they spend lots of money building brands. Of course, there are world rankings (shown in parentheses). Here is how it will go: Brazil (28) will demolish Colombia (85); Germany (11) will win on penalty kicks against France (13); the Netherlands (18) over Costa Rica (25); and Argentina (30) will barely defeat Belgium (31). In the semifinals, the Netherlands over Argentina and Germany over Brazil with Germany to win the cup.”
Next we turned to The Ref, who calls political penalties and gives the Silvio Berlusconi Award (presently held by Toronto Mayor, Rob Ford) to whomever deserves it for outrageous behavior by an elected official.
“Since I am in the penalty calling business, I made my decision based on the number of yellow and red cards handed out thus far in the tournament,” said The Ref. “By that measure, Colombia (3) beats Brazil (8), Germany (2) beats France (5), the Netherlands (5) over Costa Rica (8 yellows and 1 red), and Argentina (4) beats Belgium (5 yellows and 1 red). Germany has a close match with Colombia but wins in extra time, as does Argentina, which beats the Netherlands on penalty kicks. Germany wins the cup.”
Stupidity editor, Kraut Gegendum, chose the world educational rankings in making his selections.
“In the quarterfinals, it will be Brazil (65) over Colombia (84), France (20) over Germany (33), the Netherlands (9) over Costa Rica (83) (for the first time in World Cup history they will have to impose a mercy rule when this game gets too far out of hand) and Belgium (17) over Argentina (38),” said Gegendum. “The semifinals will not be close as France wins comfortably over Brazil and the Netherlands defeats Belgium. The final is won by the Netherlands.”
There was an audible groan as all eyes turned to libertyPell money maven, Jenny Zaitech. Known for her breath taking humorlessness, Zaitech moved straight to her trenchant analysis.
“I used the only two relevant measures for any country: sovereign debt rating and GDP per capita on a purchasing power parity basis,” she said. “Through to the final, both measures came out the same: Brazil over Colombia; Germany over France and the Netherlands over Costa Rica and AA Belgium defeating CCC+ (and presently in default though appealing its case to the Supreme Court) Argentina by too many goals to count. Germany and the Netherlands win their semifinal games but then the results differ. Germany’s AAA rating defeats the Netherlands AA+ rating but, on the basis of GDP per capita, the Netherlands ($41,711) defeats Germany ($40,007). Since money never lies and is the only thing that is important anyway, I picked both Germany and the Netherlands.”
There was a ripple of discord among the staffers about whether two picks were permissible, but that ended when Troppo Berk reminded everyone about what a pain in the ass Zaitech can be when we question her data or the importance of money.
“Okay, then, if she gets two I get two,” said The Ref. “I hate flopping — you know, when the players pretend to be injured and writhe around in the field to get my attention. I hate that shit. The outcomes of the quarterfinals and semifinals are the same whether you measure by lowest number of yellow and red cards or by lowest number of feigned injuries: Colombia over Brazil; Germany over France; the Netherlands over Costa Rica and Argentina in a close one over Belgium. Germany and the Netherlands again make the final but, based on flopping, the Netherlands wins the cup. So, I too pick both Germany and the Netherlands.”
Next came Excessively Ernest and Overly Zealous, founders of the Precious Party of Perpetual Perfectness.
“In a collective decision showing equality and respect, we have decided that nobody should be allowed to win because it would lower the self esteem of the others,” said their manifesto. “We want the oppressed to win because it is their turn and we hate Eurocentric white male dominance.”
“For that reason, we first chose the Gini coefficient that measures inequality within countries. Unfortunately, by this measure all of the Latin and South American countries rank far lower than the chauvinist, war mongering Europeans. Brazil, with the second worst inequality rating, has a lucky draw facing Colombia, which is the worst. Germany, the Netherlands and Belgium win their quarterfinal matches easily. Germany, showing far more equality than Brazil, wins its semifinal handily while the Netherlands defeats Belgium in a close one. Germany, wins the final by this measure, but that result did not meet our political correctness objectives.”
“Surely, deciding based on quality of life statistics would give us the desired outcome, but, with the exception of Columbia defeating Brazil, all of the other results were identical. Germany again.”
“Since we still were not getting what the poll testing required, we decided to choose based on male or female heads of state. By this measure, Brazil, Germany and Argentina made the semifinals and we reluctantly chose Mexico over the Netherlands because Mexico has more indigenous people. Argentina is in the final awaiting the outcome of Brazil and Germany, but we can’t figure out how to choose.”
“You two are such bores,” said Troppo Berk, a victim of the rarely diagnosed “sphincterism” (the severe intolerance of assholes).
“I am basing my decision on government corruption because I can’t stand corrupt public officials. By that measure the semifinalists are Brazil, Germany, the Netherlands and Belgium, with the Netherlands and Germany making the final and the Netherlands taking the cup.”
Finally, all eyes turned to Easton Butler Fearing Bull, who keeps us up to date on “Cocktails with WASPs.”
“What if we just focus on the games themselves instead of the countries,” asked Bull. “The experts think all of the best teams are in the top half of the draw: Colombia (2) over Brazil (4); and Germany (1) over France (3). Though there is no point bothering with the bottom half, the Netherlands (5) beats Costa Rica (8) and Belgium (6) beats Argentina (7). Germany and the Netherlands make the final and Germany wins.”
“I also like crowd sourcing information so I looked at the betting odds,” said Bull. “Unfortunately, I think they show the triumph of hope over thought. Brazil, Germany, the Netherlands and Argentina get to the semifinals, which Brazil and the Netherlands win. Brazil takes the cup.”
Thus did it fall to The Pundificator to sum it all up.
Based on your excellent analyses, we have 7 votes for Germany, 4 for the Netherlands, 2 for Brazil and 1 for Argentina. Let’s put it to a secret ballot.”
When the votes were counted the results were stunning. There were three for France and six for an unending tie between Colombia and Argentina.
After an extensive regression analysis, it became clear that the three women editors had chosen France’s Olivier Giroud, voted the second hottest guy in the tournament while the six men had based their choices on the country rankings of “hottest girls” — very sexy to low sexy – who would most likely be seen in the stands.
So, take that Ann Coulter. Who says Americans don’t care about futbol? libertyPell picks France because women are always right about this stuff. Except you, Ann.