Outside of Scandinavia and parts of the upper midwest, the only people on earth who have ever heard of lutefisk are those who listen to Prairie Home Companion on NPR. Garrison Keillor has made a fortune off lutefisk with lines like these.

“Every Advent we entered the purgatory of lutefisk, a repulsive gelatinous fishlike dish that tasted of soap and gave off an odor that would gag a goat. We did this in honor of Norwegian ancestors, much as if survivors of a famine might celebrate their deliverance by feasting on elm bark. I always felt the cold creeps as Advent approached, knowing that this dread delicacy would be put before me and I’d be told, ‘Just have a little.’ Eating a little was like vomiting a little, just as bad as a lot.”

Under Wisconsin law, lutefisk has to be exempted from the definition of toxic substances so how then can lutefisk be the world’s best investment idea?

As is so often the case, the great lutefisk trade results from two things happening at the same time that have never done so before.

First, all of the world’s central bankers – at least the important ones – are trashing their currencies in an effort to keep their economies afloat. They are doing so because the elected officials in their countries are perfecting their sniveling cowardice by not solving a whole bunch of nasty financial problems. Commodities should flourish in such an environment and lutefisk is a commodity.

Second, the developed world is getting older and moving toward retirement. Thanks to the same elected officials and their sniveling cowardice, some countries are less prepared than others to deal with squadrons of cranky old men telling dogs and small children to get off their lawns. Many will have to move to better ones lest they have no lawns to defend.

Enter the good people of Investment News to provide a list of the Top 20 nations for retirees. Now, it is an immutable rule of list making that you have to have criteria and here they are. “150 nations were rated. Each country receives a score of 0 to 1 in four categories, based on data from sources including the World Bank and United Nations. Combined, the categories measure the nations’ suitability and convenience for retirees. A perfect score of 1 would represent a country with an outstanding healthcare system; a very high level of material wealth; a sound financial system offering high rates of return; and a very high quality of life, a well-preserved environment and low levels of pollution.”

And the winners are….

1. Norway
2. Switzerland
3. Luxembourg
4. Sweden
5. Austria
6. Finland
7. Netherlands
8. Denmark
9. Germany
10. France
11. Australia
12. Israel
13. Canada
14. Belgium
15. Japan
16. Slovenia
17. Czech Republic
18. Slovak Republic
19. United States
20. United Kingdom

Notice numbers 1, 4, 6 and 8? I helped by highlighting them. Hotbeds of lutefisk consumption. Nothing fuels cranky, lawn-defending, old-people anger quite like lutefisk.

Older residents of countries 19 and 20 might pause to ask themselves why their countries rank so low, but you are already too late. I have cornered the lutefisk market.