Snollygoster Expands His Business
We last spoke with Snollygoster about three years ago during the manufactured fiscal cliff catastrophe of that era. To remind, Snollygoster is the current scion of a long line of rabbits that has made a succession of fine careers out of being placed in hats by magicians, the better to be removed therefrom. He and his forebears are named for a little-known word, meaning “one, especially a politician, who is guided by personal advantage rather than by consistent, respectable principles.” Here are the links to our prior conversations: https://www.libertypell.com/fiscal-cliff-four-more-weeks-and-not-a-minute-sooner/ and https://www.libertypell.com/36-hours-to-go-cue-thelma-and-louise/.
For many decades, the Snollygoster rabbits have served their political magician masters by waiting patiently inside magician hat props for just the right moment to be yanked out by their ears as evidence of the political magician’s magic-ness. It was, at best, a lifestyle business that could not be scaled to support an app, let alone an IPO. The current Snollygoster has decided to take over the magician business itself, thus increasing the demand for a hat-accessible rabbits.
To this end, he has cleverly targeted the all-important victim market. Here is a transcript of our recent conversation.
Pundificator: Welcome back Snolly, I understand you are expanding your enterprise since we last saw you.
Snollygoster: Thanks Pundi, yes we are. For decades we have relied on self-aggrandizing politicians to manufacture crises and place my family members in hats for ready removal at the last minute with a poll-tested solution. It’s a nice business but it was no longer providing the growth expected by Wall Street so our IPO was in jeopardy.
Pundificator: So, tell us about the new line.
Snollygoster: Well, it is related to the old one, but we think it offers a great deal more opportunity. We are creating a new line of magicians to place us in hats catering to the victim market. Our research suggests that there are many unfortunate people who do not yet know that they are victims. They need to be taught and we are deploying legions of victim-teaching magicians to do just that. They find a group of people, and then some grievous wrong, sell it to them, then pretend to solve the problem all the while being paid to do so either by the victims themselves or by those who can be blackmailed into appearing sensitive to the plight of the newly created victims.
Snollygoster: Thank you. We are starting on college campuses where it is easy to find a sufficient number of stupid noisy people who are sufficiently terrified about their future to be easily manipulated. There is the additional benefit of over-coddling parents to take the side of the little darlings and of well-funded administrators to create useless immediate-gratification solutions and, of course, to pay off our fleet of magicians who created the problems in the first place.
Pundificator: As I said before, genius sheer genius. Is there any precedent for this?
Snollygoster: That’s a good question, Pundi. Some years ago we began field testing the idea by deploying Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Rachel Maddow and a bunch of others to fuel up both the left and right to think of themselves as victims. This enables our magicians to step in and collect bribes for pretending to provide victim reduction thus supporting our IPO. According to a recent Pew Research poll, we have now created a situation in which every group in America feels that it is losing politically.
Pundificator: But aren’t some of your victim magicians complaining about other ones?
Snollygoster: That is very observant of you, Pundi, but I would prefer not to talk too much about it. Yes, we do have magicians deployed, especially in our right wing demographic to complain about the tactics used in our university demographic even though they are exactly the same. Essentially, victims are not born they are made.
Perhaps we can talk a little more about that another time but right now I have a meeting at Goldman Sachs.
Pundificator: Thanks Snolly and good luck with the IPO.