Top 7 PR Tips for Kim Jong-Un
In which libertyPell’s very own public relations expert, Odious Gelhead, provides public relations tips to North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un.
Kimmy baby (may I call you Kimmy?), that was some stunt you pulled on Sony hacking their computers, revealing their salaries, exposing their poll-tested hypocrisy and making them yank a crappy movie.
There is some real mileage here and I can help you get it.
You have a useless little country but a great business model for you and the cronies you haven’t killed. Almost everyone lives in poverty to support you and your besties. Way to go.
Only problem is the rest of the world still thinks you’re a jerk. You have the worst haircut in history. Your clothes suck and, I hate to say this, but you’re kind of a fatty. All of that can be fixed.
Your economy sucks and nobody would want to go to your country even if they could. The safest place from your missile attacks is right where they are aimed because you never hit anything.
So, that is kind of the starting place from which to rebuild your image and buy you a little respect from people whom you don’t have to pay to respect you. Or even threaten to kill.
The hack was genius. Sony wants to blow you up. You play the victim. You blow them up.
The victim thing can be tied into a promo with Al Sharpton: “Justice for Kimmy.” He is really good at extorting contributions from your detractors and he’ll give you a good split.
Blowing up Sony will appeal to the right-wingers who are loving the macho self-help image and your making Hollywood look stupid. You even drove a wedge between the President and his pretend-lefty fans when you made him criticize Sony for pulling the opening.
Offering a joint investigation with Big Barry to make yourself look like his equal was genius. You’ve done all you can with that because he is what we call here in Washington “2 L over.” All he can care about is library and legacy.
And you can definitely execute. Hackers are cheap and yours are good. We just have to synch them with the overall strategy.
So here are Odious Gelhead’s Top 7 PR Tips for Kim Jong-Un
- We’re taking this to the right. You have got no hope with the lefties after pissing off the movie industry, the free speech people, the media, and the President. Lose the Commie shit in that miserable country of yours. It conflicts with the message.
- Buy yourself a gym and stay there until you can take off your shirt and ride a motorcycle like Vladdy Putin.
- That will give you time to let your hair grow out. It looks like you have a funny shaped head so you won’t pull off the bald look. I’m thinking Leonardo diCaprio.
- Choose your targets better. I know you were pissed about the blowing up scene, but Sony is a bore. They are not even American. No mileage in Japan bashing. They have bashed themselves into irrelevance.
- Hack Kim Kardashian and her whole family plus their entourages and rehab centers. We’ll play up the Kim vs. Kim thing. Everyone hates her so you’ll build mass appeal.
- Hack Elizabeth Warren and the big banks will be all over helping you to lift the economic sanctions. They have good lobbyists.
- Hack the NFL in late January just before the Super Bowl. Their emails should do great.
And that is just the free sample Kimmy baby. There is a lot more where that came from. Yours for the bargain rate of a grand an hour with a $500K minimum.
Work those abs and call me. We’ll take a meeting.
And don’t forget the clothes. Totally have to go.