An unusual group of government leaches has rallied in opposition to one of the gravest threats to their livelihoods in recent memory.

Those who sup at the public trough have joined with those who rail against this or that to convene a massive conference taking up nearly all of the hotel space in the nation’s capital. Even the breakout sessions have breakout sessions.

Left and right, bureaucrat and lobbyist, spinner and wonk have made common cause to put a stop to the insidious plot that threatens to diminish the cushiness of their lives.

Plot? What plot?

It appears that several groups of miserable do-gooders around the world have come up with a plan to help poor people. According to the do-gooders, a leading cause of poverty is not having any money.

The miserable do-gooders give money to the homeless with no strings attached. All the recipients have to do is answer a single question: What do you think is good for you?

Spokes-bores for the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees, the Service Employees International Union, the American Federation of Labor-Congress of Industrial Organizations and the Office and Professional Employees International have achieved dog whistle shrillness in their outcry against the absence of bureaucracy, pedantry and obstreperousness in the scheme being tried in England, Holland and various OECD countries.

“Who gives a shit if the idea works?” said one. “We will not permit any programs that keep our dues-paying members from telling a bunch of derelict low lives that their papers are not in order. Do you know how hard it is for us to teach our workers the proper level of disdain let alone the correct Nazi border guard inflection?”

Deep breathers on the right are equally upset. Battalions of economics professors are being frog marched the nation’s capital bearing mind numbing papers on motivation, lottery winner syndrome, job losses in unneeded flophouses and the potential environmental impact of discarded grimy blankets.

Even grocery cart manufacturers have banded together to defend their industry against anticipated business losses if the homeless no longer need to steal carts to carry all of their belongings.

Pickets are circling the headquarters of The Washington Post for running the heretical op-ed entitled Free Money Might Be the Best Way to End Poverty by Rutger Bregman. A scuffle broke out among those who blame the Graham family for destroying the local bureaucracy business before they head out of town and those who accuse incoming Post owner Jeff Bezos of not knowing which side of the bread is properly buttered.