Wanted: Senate Candidates to Fill These Empty Seats

Janet Hook tells an interesting story in The Wall Street Journal. Tough Place to Fill Job Openings: U.S. Senate. Though known to be among the most dangerous words in our language, “it gave me an idea.”

Here, as background, are some excerpts from Janet’s story on the dearth of Senate candidates.

“Both political parties are encountering a surprising problem as they prepare for next year’s battle to control the U.S. Senate: Some of their top choices are turning down invitations to run for seats in a body with a reputation that has been tarnished by bickering and gridlock.”

“[T]hese days, a recurring concern is that Congress is held in such low public esteem, and serving there has lost some of its luster.”

“The Senate’s chronic stalemate seems particularly distasteful to politicians who cast themselves as driven by pragmatic concerns more than ideology.”

Here’s the idea. Take out an ad in Politico and/or The Hill (trade journals of the political world) saying more or less the following:



To:           Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee and National Republican Senatorial Committee

From:       LibertyPell

Date:        June 2013

Re:            Answered Prayers

Janet Hook of The Wall Street Journal suggests that you are having a spot of bother lining up candidates for 2014. Well, here I am.

This is addressed to both of you for two reasons.

First, each of you will find something to like and dislike. Money stuff is important, which will appeal to you R’s, but social stuff is not, which will appeal to you D’s.

Hey suck it up, nobody’s perfect.

Second, I would like to get a little competition going.

Here is what you get with your all-purpose 2014 candidate.

  1. I promise right here, right now, for sure that I will not run again. In six years, the Senate might get its act together and your preferred candidates might show more enthusiasm. I will not be an obstacle.
  2. I already have a perfectly good house in DC so you won’t have to deal with sappy PR shots of your Senator sleeping in his office.
  3. Weekly travel costs will be low because I ride a bike. Use the savings to hire loyal staffers.
  4. I will return to the state as seldom as possible thus leaving all the “armpit” photo-ops to those gearing up for 2020. When you need me there, I like chicken. Superior fork selection skills as well.
  5. I am really good at asking people for money. Did you hear that? Really good.  I used to be in sales.
  6. Nominate me and I will caucus with your party, which is really all that matters. I might not always vote with your leaders but who cares if you get to run the place.

That was the soft sell now here is the hammer. If neither of you takes me up on this once-in-a-lifetime offer, I am considering a run for the presidency with the stated intention of getting no votes at all by telling all your voters what they least want to hear. (And what you least want them to hear.)

The lines are open and operators are standing by. Take a number for better service.


What do you think? Could I really do any worse?

Send in your ideas and somebody help me rewrite the ad.

One Response to “Wanted: Senate Candidates to Fill These Empty Seats”

Haven Pell, June 26, 2013 at 11:17 am said:

Here is a comment emailed to me from a reader: “Ignoring other potential obstacles for the moment, wouldn’t you need to have some reasonable evidence of ‘residency’ in a state that has a Senate seat coming up for election ?”

“Apart from RFK, are there other examples of contenders being elected to the Senate without that prerequisite ?”


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