World Wrestling Entertainment Merges with The Congress of the United States
Slumbering reporters were taken by surprise at the sudden announcement of a merger between World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. and the Congress of the United States. Spokespeople for Goldman Sachs, which arranged the transaction, appeared oblivious to the opening ceremony for the London Olympics scheduled later in the day. They were equally unaware of the absence of all sentient life forms from Washington when it is 97° on a Friday afternoon in July. Few people actually attended the press conference, hence this exclusive story.
According to the WWE spokesman, “we were presented with a unique opportunity to achieve synergy in a related and equally unimportant activity.”
“Our business model is based on pretending to fight and pretending the fights are real,” said a WWE executive. “That is almost exactly the same as the recently-adopted business model of the Congress of the United States. As a result, we thought we could bring our marketing and merchandising expertise to their slumbering efforts, quite apart from getting them on a better cable channel.”
The Congress of the United States was represented at the press conference by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D NV), Senate Minority Leader Addison McConnell (R KY), whom they persisted in calling Mitch, Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner (R OH) and Minority Leader of the House of Representatives Nancy Patricia D’Alesandro Pelosi (D CA), who was never called anything because nobody appeared to like her very much. Quotes were difficult to obtain from Congress of the United States spokespeople who were either engaged in elbowing each other aside to take credit for the historic transaction or in pointing the hot spotlights to themselves for the benefit of the three television viewers in each of their home districts who will not be watching the Olympic opening ceremony this evening. Those grasping the spotlights appeared oblivious to the pungent smell of burning flesh.
The Goldman Sachs official took pains to explain the “pretending to fight” business model. “It’s all about keeping the fight going until further battling becomes intolerable. During the fighting, Congress of the United States flunkies race around collecting bribes from those who believe the fighting is real. Then they adjourn without accomplishing anything and a new group of fake fighters emerges after the next election. Just like WWE and the public has yet to catch on.”
He was later admonished by all four Congress of the United States officials for his use of the words “collecting bribes” when the proper term is “soliciting campaign contributions.”
According to the prospectus for the transaction, “revenue enhancement is expected from more accurate pricing of the bribes to reflect the value actually added.”